Today I am taking a mental health day.
Let me begin with yesterday. After morning classes, I went home for lunch. The plan was to have a quick lunch with Matt and then do some work before heading to my ( at times insanely useless) Clinical Skilz lab, where we would be "learning" about dermatology by staring at each other's arms. On my way into my apartment, I tripped up a few stairs and totally wiped out. Everything went flying. I hurt my knee surprisingly badly considering I just tripped, and ruined a pair of jeans. And that was it. I limped upstairs, cleaned my knee, and went to bed instead of CS. I just couldn't take it. I did do some work later in the evening but the thought of going to class was somehow too much.
This morning I woke up on time for my classes; I then lay in bed for ten minutes alternately yelling at myself to get up and feeling totally overwhelmed by even the thought of putting bandages on my leg and figuring out what clothes to wear, let alone having to actually attend class. All of my dreams had involved me either screaming or crying. I made it into the bathroom where I stared at myself for a few minutes... and then I returned to bed, curled into a little ball, and retreated guiltily back into sleep. When I woke up a couple of hours ago, I realised I'd missed all of my morning classes but still technically had neuroanatomy lab and Spanish this afternoon and evening, respectively. Visualising actually being there literally sent me into fits of tears. Clearly I am feeling a bit off balance, as hyperventilation and a strong desire to flee are usually the strongest reactions I have to gunners and/ or neuro lab.
And so your heroine finds herself at home, still in her pajamas, potentially without plans to do any work today at all. There are two ways to think about this.
One (The Parent's Explanation): apparently I am exhausted in some measure, and that part of me decided it was time to take a break. It is healthy and good that I am listening to it, and although I may have to play catch-up a bit, it will have been worth it for the recharge that I get. And let's be honest, medical school consists solely of playing catch-up anyway, so it's not like my life will be drastically different in that regard. I'll just be less likely to have a public breakdown.
Two (The Gunner's Explanation): part of med school is being exhausted in every way and learning to push through it. It is irresponsible and quite frankly weak of me to have to take so much time off, especially after I didn't work that hard over the weekend. Maybe I just don't want to work, and so I am taking any excuse available to shirk. Maybe I just can't hack it.
Which is more valid? [shrug] I'm not sure, but the first one certainly is more comfortable, isn't it? No one wants to think of oneself as a slacker, not in an arena like this. And it hurts to think of oneself as inadequate.
But I was thinking further about this this morning, talking to my mum and Matt, and I realised: I have always known I was only above average. Let me explain. I am more intelligent than many people; this is just a gift that God gave me, like he gave others artistic or physical ability. But I am definitely not a genius. I fall in the 'gifted' category, which means among the entire population I am of above average intelligence, but among smart people I am basically average.
This is finally playing out in school; I have reached a level where only people roughly as intelligent as I am are around me, and I am now almost exactly in the middle of the pack. Hard work counts for a lot when you are in the middle of the pack (vs. being absolutely brilliant, in which case hard work counts for much less - don't disagree with me, I have also seen this play out in my school. Outliers are outliers for a reason), and I am only willing to sacrifice so much.
So. I am smart but not smart enough to be the best. I am willing to work but possibly not hard enough to be the best. Is this not inadequacy?
Thus the second argument is also true - in a sense. If high levels of accomplishment and being tough were really what I am aiming for, then I would have dragged my sad self to school today because not doing so would be slacking. But more and more I am realising the depth to which those aren't my goals. Enjoying life as much as possible without totally sacrificing my career - you know, balance - that is my true goal. My whole life I have surrounded myself with gunners because they push me, and my whole life I have refused (most of the time) to participate in the madness of being hardcore fully and felt guilty about it. Now I am in a place that requires 100% daily and I am finally giving it... most of the time. Maybe I should stop being ashamed of those exceptions. Maybe.
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