Hx - Please to win moar faster at t3h med school?

I am currently halfway through week 11 of 17, including finals.  There is a month of classes left and then a week of finals.  I actually only have 3 tests left in the semester.  I keep switching between feeling really energetic and pretty burnt out; today I described it as trying to keep a flame lit when it's out of fuel.  You blow on it and it flares up, but only briefly, and then it's even closer to being out than it was before.  And I don't really understand how I made it this far.  There was more than one time where God basically picked me up and carried me through an exam (or a day or a week) in His arms like a baby, but it still seems impossible that I am still here.  And even though there is nowhere else I would rather be and nothing else I would rather be doing, it's still sort of miserable. 

This entry is totally insipid, I feel like.  But I just don't have much to say.  I fall asleep going over the next day.  I wake myself up in the middle of the night naming arteries.  All of my dreams are about classmates, and I am sick of seeing them during the daytime, let alone in my dreams, and I think this affects my unconscious and wakes me up in the night.  Then I can't wake up in the morning.  I have an anatomy exam coming up Monday that is going to beat me up because I can't really study for it because I just want to sleep all the time, which is either avoidance or exhaustion.  Maybe both. 

[sigh]

But.  Thus far, my grades are all either satisfactory or more than.  At least there's no denying that my exhaustion has been somewhat fruitful.  Like I planted an academic seed and am giving it all my energy and it's actually growing. 

Into a doctor plant. 

Or... yeah.  I'm ridiculous and tired and I'm going to go study anatomy. 


Oh and p.s. I frequently want to tell people in my class to SHUT UP.  Oh, you don't like your own lunch?  You think our dress code's too lax?  Oh, you can't find time to exercise and now you feel fat?  QQ MORE NUB UGH.  I actually started to say 'QQ' to someone the other day and barely caught myself.  I can't be bothered to explain references anymore.

Note from the future: 'QQ' looks like two big cartoon eyes crying.  You're telling someone, "Aw, go cry about it!  NOT.  In truth I have no sympathy for you so stop whining."  For you, I can be bothered.

Hx - Fine print

I miss poetry.  I miss the freedom to be serious, to care deeply and use bold phrases.  I miss long skirts and short hair.  I miss staying up too late.  I miss being able to easily resist the normalising pull of community, of society.  I miss feeling tied to the sun.  Sometimes I don't want to be accomplished, I don't want to be a runner with good grades, nice smile, so agreeable, well-liked, walking obituary.  I want fire.  I want to startle people.  I want courage - the courage to be outcast and honestly known.  I want to stand in the courtyard and be silent with the sky and my God and not tolerate interruptions.

I miss part of myself.  You never realise the cost of dedication until you are already handing it over.  Will I ever write again?  Will I ever be struck by the beauty of the night, or will I simply sigh and go back to dreamlessness?


I miss having a shaved head.  A lot.  I worry that my career will make me into a collage of myself, bits and pieces strung together, nothing at all when you look closely.  Fragments.  Exhaustion.

Hx - God is, indeed, bigger than a first-year's anatomy test/ class. Thanks, God!

I got an 85 on my anatomy test overall, by scraping a 35/50 = 70 (lowest passing grade) on lecture, scoring a 46/50 = 92 on lab, and having 4 bonus points from in-class quizzes.  Combined with the 80 overall I scored on the last exam, I now have a solid B in my 7-credit class. 




YES.  OH YES.

In other news, I once again failed to run for eight minutes straight last night.  This is getting personal.  In other other news, I haven't worn matching socks in at least two weeks.  It is one of my tiny rebellions against a process that tries to normalise, break, and de-soul everyone that endures it.  I can tell that I'm going to start wearing stranger and stranger things just to stay sane amongst all the crushing amounts of studying.

Hx - God is Awesome!

Okay I have a secret.  I can't tell anyone at school beacuse it's not PC

but

we took an anatomy exam this afternoon.  I had a really terrible weekend burning myself out trying to study for it.  I just hit a total mental wall after studying for about 10 straight hours on Saturday.  The whole time, I was just thinking, 'God, it's a good thing you're in charge on the test, because I'm doing a really terrible job managing this myself.'  Anyway, my half of the class had lab (practical - IDing structures on cadavers) first, then the didactic portion (theory, injuries, etc)

and

and

AND

as I handed in the lecture portion of my anatomy exam today, the professor whispered to me, "You did really well on the practical portion of the exam.  Very good."

...!!!!!11!!!1!!one!!

I have no idea if I even passed the lecture portion of the exam, but if I did well enough on the practical part for the professor to notice, it DEFINITELY means my lab grade can carry my grade because each part counts for half the overall test grade.  I almost certainly passed!

[hyperventilates]

In other news, I failed to successfully run 8 minutes straight today.  Next attempt on Wednesday.  It would probably help if I got myself properly hydrated and nourished by then, too.

Hx - Enough!

Okay, can I just say something?  Medical school is hard.  And my class is one test into a seven-test, four week stretch of midterms hell.  People are getting beaten down and discouraged, starting to question themselves and their commitment to medicine.  People are starting to complain a lot and feel totally pessimistic.  Days are filled with nothing but frantic studying, trying to get things done while knowing that it is literally impossible to fully catch up.

But you know what?

I'm happy to be here.

I want to be right where I am.  People are starting to ask things like, "If you won 10 million dollars right now, would you stay?"  Yes, I would.  I'd become a doctor and then get to work for free like I've always wanted.  Because I want to.  Because I'm 22 bloody years old and once the shiny newness of being rich wore off in a few months or a few years, I would have nothing to do and no purpose in life other than being rich, which is ridiculous.  I want to be here and I'm not going to apologise for having a calling instead of a career.  It's not that I love my classes or can't get enough of the time I spend stuck in a room with the same 100 people.  It's that I'm going to be a doctor and that's what I'm made for, and there's nothing more fulfilling than knowing that I'm finally on the direct track to fulfilling my purpose.  I understand that a lot of people are losing their way a little right now, and I have some sympathy for that, but they are making it harder on themselves by staring longingly at the exit every day.

Bottom line:  don't be here if you don't want to be here.

P.S. Did I mention that I'm glad x 15284523487235 that I took histology already?  Because I am.  A whole lot.