Catalytic

An hour and a half ago this post would have been nothing but, "I hate this school, I hate all the people in it, I am sick of this blah blah blah..."

But then I went to the weekly CMA meeting and everything changed.

Every so often we have a guest speaker instead of doing our usual Scripture reading/ discussion thing.  Today the speaker was Rick Donlon, who helped found Christ Community Health Services, a group of clinics for low-income people in Memphis.  And I have to tell you- well, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

First of all, he gave a very frank talk about how the med students/ doctors of his generation, individually and corporately, ultimately compromised their desire to change the world for God's glory in exchange for money, security, etc.  And he discussed how real a danger that is for us right now, how we are in this giant monster that is trying to eat us and we end up sort of chewed up and spit out by the end of medical school.  Before we are even doctors, we are tired and fed up and just want things to be easy for a bit.  I'm sure you can guess that I felt his words in a deep part of my soul, because I've been feeling med school's teeth for a while now. I felt rebuked, and so I was totally absorbed because clearly, whatever he was about to say applied to me.

He moved on to what he did - how just a few years out of medical school he started this tiny clinic in the poorest part of Memphis with three other inexperienced young doctors - and it just caught me.  I have always known that I wanted to serve the underserved, and since I came to Christ I knew that this desire would (well, duh) be tied to sharing God with others.  But it's scary to think that my purpose will really only include serving, not on the side while I work at a nice hospital or a suburban clinic, but to just serve.  Just... not make much money and not have great equipment most of the time and see people who desperately need the most basic medical education and service.  Does that make sense, that I feel split even though my purpose is mostly clear to me?  I know what I am going to do with my life in the purest sense, but I don't yet know how to get there.  I don't know what my residency will be.  I don't know what rotations to take at the end of med school.  I don't know where I will be going (here?  The States?  Somewhere else in the world?  Some combination?  How does that even work?) or what, specifically, I will be doing.  I just know that I was made for a life of service to the poor and oppressed.

There it is.  Thrilling.  As in exciting and terrifying.  Also terrifying.  Maybe a bit confusing.  Did I mention terrifying?  God has a lot of growing to do if he wants this little mouse in the faith to be able to really, really serve.  But this is the only thought that galvanises me, that really gets me awake and energised about the future.  School loses its spice after a week or so when it's this hard.  Working in a normal clinic sounds ridiculously boring (Well.  Not boring, per se.  Just... well... boring.  Wait, that's the same as boring, isn't it.  Sorry, I did try).  But working just in a hospital sounds like it might suck your soul out and leave it for the vultures.  I don't know where I'm going with this, except that I must have meaning to my work or I can't do it.  I can only get by on rationalisations for so long.  Does that make sense?  Obviously I haven't had the whole path revealed to me, which is really as it should be because all I need to focus on for now is the next four weeks of my life, not the next forty years.  This is what I know:

0. God is good.  I also wrote, "Good is God," and "God is God," and I suppose those are also true.
1. I have a Microbiology test on Thursday that I really need to pass.  This weekend I must study for it, and also for Neuroanatomy, because...
2. I am currently failing Neuroanatomy by 0.2%; if I pass the final, I pass the class.  Thus, I have to spend the next four weeks working to make sure that pass happens.
3. Matt will be gone for four weeks this summer. I have been invited (along with anyone else at school who wants to go) to go and live and work among the people who run CCHS for a period from 2-4 weeks. Thus, for part or all of the time Matt is away, I will go and begin to learn the tools for my future trade.
4. At some point in the distant future, I will finally be well-enough equipped to go and serve somewhere.  And it will happen.
5. God is still good.

That's all I know about my life.  More than enough to get me through the end of my little first-year experience, don't you think?