So I started this audition month by looking at a joint x-ray. After about 30 seconds of confused contemplation, I finally gathered my courage and asked the resident, "Hey, where's the patella on that x-ray?" As soon as the words left my mouth, my eyes made sense of the radial head. Crap. That's an elbow! Before she could start to say anything, I was shaking my head and saying, "Ooh. I mean. Never mind because that's not a knee that's an elbow and elbows don't have kneecaps. Let's forget I said anything. In fact, I was merely remarking on what a normal looking elbow that xray is showing." She laughed at me.
Apparently I began as I meant to go on. I've missed IVs, messed up Foley catheters, placed endotracheal tubes in the esophagus, placed orogastric tubes in the lungs, had to rip out a few sutures, fumbled immobilisations... I'm such a klutz and it is beyond frustrating! I am not super neurotic, but I'm certainly type A enough that I HATE doing stuff that I'm bad at - and at this stage of my training I'm bad at everything. Still. I've been trying my best to keep a good attitude about my failures, work hard, and ask thoughtful questions. I may not be good at anything, but I swear I'm teachable!
I have been struggling very much lately with wanting to please other humans. This, I think, is the quintessential struggle of any Christian who is currently aspiring to some new position. This morning I was reading the letter written by Jesus' brother, James; these passages in particular became my prayer today:
"For jealousy and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind. But
the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving,
gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy
and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness."
"Don’t you realize that
friendship with the world makes you an enemy of God? I say it again: If
you want to be a friend of the world, you make yourself an enemy of God... But he gives us even more grace to stand against such evil desires."
That last sentence is perhaps the most important. Through the Holy Spirit, I am empowered to fix my eyes on my King, and to allow Him to set my goals and priorities. I am glad to let Him.
amen
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