A few days ago, as I was leaving work, one of the paramedics shouted out, "And where do you think you're going?" I responded, "To bed! My shift is over! You don't pay me enough to keep me here!" She laughed and I went on my way.
As I walked into my room, though, I was feeling so unsettled I stopped dead in the doorway to ask myself what was wrong. It took a bit of searching but I finally figured out it was that parting remark that so aggravated my conscience. It's not that it was a particularly mean or rude response. It fit the conversation. The problem is that I didn't mean it.
I would say that if left to myself, it's fairly hard to get me mad or move me to cynicism when it comes to patients. I don't get stressed out by high patient loads; I just start chugging away at the list. I'm not likely to get dramatic about bad smells or low IQs or nasty feet. I would say my professional demeanor is fairly warm and unruffled. But if I have one flaw that I have struggled with consistently throughout
medical school, it is that I am easily influenced by negativity specifically. It's
quite a weakness when you think about it. It means that when people around me are stressed, irritated, bitter, burnt out, or just being big bloody divas, I often get caught up in it even if that's not how I would feel if left to myself. It's actually terrible. I'm ashamed of it to the point that I almost didn't write this post.
The night this happened, everyone else had spent the shift irritated with how busy the ER had been. I'd been enjoying myself for the most part, but conversation centered around, "AGH why won't people stop coming in" and "Someone shoot me now" and "I can't wait to get out of here. CAN'T WAIT." I think I soaked that up and gave it right back, which is so dumb. And it's even more dumb because I believe all of that was just crap. Just talk. The people I'm working with like their jobs, so why the pissed off chit-chat?
God is keeping me on this planet to be a light to others - to be a living example of the transformative power, the freedom and joy, of walking with Christ. And yet, I struggle daily against what is essentially the pack mentality, emotional peer pressure, assimilation by the Borg. And among medical people, the collective mindset is quite frankly poisonous. It's critical, irritable, jaded, sarcastic almost to the point of viciousness, hardhearted, and unhappy. It has dehumanizing them-vs.-us undertones, where patients are the opposing team. Logically I get it; this is the underbelly of the mental pickiness necessary to be good at medicine and the distance we have to maintain so we can see sad/ traumatic things every day. But that does not make it okay.
Another giant problem that arises in medicine concerns gossip. I know everyone everywhere struggles with it. But medicine is one of the few places I can think of besides police work where your work is directly concerned with people's dirty secrets (and also just their general dirtiness). That means the line between sharing information and gossip is even thinner, and most medical personnel I've met don't even try to walk it because the information is so juicy. Conversations segue straight from, "So her exam was pretty normal despite her insistence that she was in pain," to, "She was such a jerk to me! And she smelled! And did you see her teeth? Ew!" The issue is that pain, combativeness, malodorousness, and poor dentition can all be appropriate parts of a discussion regarding medical care, but they can all also be poisonous gossip that hurts not only the patient, but the gossiper.
I don't know exactly how to handle that yet. In college I got pretty good at asking people to stop gossiping around me, but that was when I worked in retail, where it was blatantly obvious that we had no business discussing such things. In medicine it can be difficult to pin people down, and as humans we will always get defensive when our sins are pointed out to us. I wonder if it will be easier for me when I am a doctor and thus have some official and some unofficial authority; I've seen how often the doctor unconsciously sets the working atmosphere. At the same time, though, I know that the Lord does not rely on earthly authority when it comes to people keeping each other righteous. I technically have all the authority I need right now.
I just need to let Christ make me bold about what is true.
Wow... very sincere and VERY REAL... I totally agree as one that has worked in several capacities in the medical field. Gossip and "unprofessionalism" walk as cousins. Especially when it comes to dept. moral, patient hygiene, patient personal history, etc. Just do as you are led in each situation. Sometimes as a light there is no single answer to how you react in every instance. But you know that "a soft answer turneth away wrath" as the scripture says and that "you should shun the very appearance of evil." God is still making us into the vessel of honor that he can use to speak bold as a lion and be harmless as a Dove! God bless your endeavors....
ReplyDeleteThank you for this. Very encouraging!
DeleteDirty secrets, literally or figuratively, have always struck me as a rocky road to power over others. If you know someone's shame, you can control them. Most people are strong enough not to actually use that control (blackmail, as the extreme), which is why I'm an optimist.
ReplyDeleteMost people, however, are not strong enough to resist subverting that control into once-removed constructs of self-and-other-image. This is not inherently bad, evil, or hateful. Gossip is the flip side of the coin from Pity, or maybe Empathy. Why would you discuss someone you care nothing for, towards whom you feel no connection, no empathy at all?
I find that my bitterness is what allows me to distance myself from the pain of others, great or small. Cynicism can lead to hateful words, but it is also the armour that protects us from crying forever.
Dirty secrets totally = power. Which is why HIPPA exists.
DeleteI emphatically (with emphasis!) disagree that gossip is the flip side of pity or empathy. If anything, it walks hand in hand with either jealousy or contempt, depending on the situation. There's no empathy in gossip! If there were, gossip would die before it started because people would be thinking about how that person's situation is so terrible and how she would feel worse if she knew she were being gossiped about. They would think about how bad they felt that one time they found out people were talking about them. And they would not keep talking. There's a lot of pride in gossip; pride that you're not the one whose life is a mess/ who has that weird habit/ who made that terrible decision. People like to gossip because we have this horrible basic desire to enjoy other humans suffering. It has no relationship to love. And so I would say it is inherently bad, evil, and hateful, and thus worth avoiding.
What you say about bitterness and cynicism is true; it's great armor. But you can't take it on and off at will. The more shielded you are by bitterness, the more imprisoned you are, and the more blinded. And the more you give in to cynicism, the more likely it is that when someone needs you, you will not be able to get out of your cell to help him. That is too high a price for my own comfort.
Now, I have a question for you: can one really be an optimist and a bitter cynic?
Very sincere and personal. Thank you for sharing this with us.
ReplyDeleteI have had this same dilema in my professional life. Even worse than gossip, I have had to lie and cheat to favor a deal that would benefit all companies I have worked for.
A long time ago I decided to take the moral and ethical high road. At least on what I believe is right: No lies, no cheats, no gossip. When people gossip around me I ask them not to do it or as it is your case, treat the subject with a professional approach.
As you probably know, there is a dangerous side effect: I have very little friends and do not work as an executive in my field. But Oh, do I feel good to know I am strong to my beliefs and doing the right thing.
Great post, Zoe. For me, personally, coming back to the cross is the most important thing. Jesus died for both the homeless drunk and the ER resident intubating him. I think Christians should be deeply cynical about the human condition in general, but stupidly optimistic about what Christ can do about it...
ReplyDeleteSo, so true.
Delete