Still here. Took a test Friday; probably failed it. My grade can take the hit, but it is never fun to work so hard for such terrible results. I will find out how I actually did on Monday. Another (really hard) test is approaching on Tuesday that I already don't have enough time to prepare for (no, I'm not joking).
>.<
I am SO OVER IT. I was on the phone with my madre a couple of days ago and I told her I hate school. She really tried to convince me that I actually love school and that this is just a phase, but I really am so sick of all the constant pressure. Three days after spring break ended I was already thinking of summer. I'm just dying to be finished with this school year. I want to swim and go to the beach and read books. I want to sleep in and shadow physicians and try to remember why I'm doing this to myself and everyone who has to listen to me. And it's tough to look ahead to third year, when things will lighten up and get a lot more interesting, because I will likely be alone then and so I am actually trying not to think about it at all, which really just means I have nothing to look forward to in the long term. I AM GETTING DEPRESSED which is NOT HELPING and I would call myself a total slacker and a wimp except every single person in my class feels this way right now. No wonder few people make it through med school unmedicated.
I do not like this, Sam I Am.
Okay, okay. Positives. Uh... the weather is getting way nicer! And God is always so good, even in the difficult patches. His faithfulness astounds me all the time. Aaannd... I get to go on my first medical mission this summer which should be totally sweet. AND my best friend since the 9th grade (she has known me almost half my life!) is coming to visit on Tuesday; that's the best thing to happen all semester. There are good things.
[sigh]
Sorry this is such a sad panda entry. I'm sure things will pick up soon. I have good days, I promise.
...I think it's time for a Scripture dump. Subject: victory/ refuge.
Psalm 44:6-8
I do not trust in my bow, my sword does not bring me victory; but you give us victory over our enemies, you put our adversaries to shame. In God we make our boast all day long, and we will praise your name forever.
Matthew 11:28
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
John 16:33
"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:35.37
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ....No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
2 Thessalonians 3:3
But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one.
James 1:12-15
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.
2 Timothy 4:18
The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be the glory for ever and ever. Amen.
Saturday, March 27
Thursday, March 18
Time Management
Spring Break thus far has been an enormous blessing. I have been able to sleep in every day and still get some work done. I need to buckle down for the next couple of days, though, if I really want to be well set up for next week and the week after. This is what a break has become: the chance to sleep while doing almost as much work as I was doing during school. Still, I really am thankful for even that.
I want to share something that changed the way I go through my days. It happened at a community group meeting (where a group of us whippersnappers get together once a week and dig our hands into some Scripture). A new couple were there that night, and the guy shared a revelation he'd had that when he thought of his time as his, his days were varying levels of terrible. He felt rushed, he was begrudging with his time, and he was never satisfied with what he managed to accomplish in a given day. But then he started reminding himself that all of the time he experienced was actually God's - given to him by God, but also directed and disposed of by God. And it changed everything for him. And it has changed everything for me as well.
It's a fundamentally different way of looking at time. It means that if you start out with a plan for the day and it gets derailed, you haven't necessarily failed, you just spent God's time in a different way than you anticipated but still in a fashion that is pleasing to Him, because you know He is in charge of directing where your time goes. This is the same philosophy that governs money and possessions, but somehow I had never applied it to time. It is freeing and lightens the yoke while keeping me disciplined. And it means I don't agonise over time management as much. If I wake up earlier than I'd intended to, it means I am meant to be awake for some purpose, and so up I get and start praying to figure out what I am meant to do. I start every day with a list that fills my waking hours, but if someone in need comes along, I trust that God put that person in my path for a reason, and that helping them is something that is pleasing to Him. The only thing I still struggle with is when to go to sleep. 'Cause, you know, I'd skip it if I could. Better grades and all that.
I want to share something that changed the way I go through my days. It happened at a community group meeting (where a group of us whippersnappers get together once a week and dig our hands into some Scripture). A new couple were there that night, and the guy shared a revelation he'd had that when he thought of his time as his, his days were varying levels of terrible. He felt rushed, he was begrudging with his time, and he was never satisfied with what he managed to accomplish in a given day. But then he started reminding himself that all of the time he experienced was actually God's - given to him by God, but also directed and disposed of by God. And it changed everything for him. And it has changed everything for me as well.
It's a fundamentally different way of looking at time. It means that if you start out with a plan for the day and it gets derailed, you haven't necessarily failed, you just spent God's time in a different way than you anticipated but still in a fashion that is pleasing to Him, because you know He is in charge of directing where your time goes. This is the same philosophy that governs money and possessions, but somehow I had never applied it to time. It is freeing and lightens the yoke while keeping me disciplined. And it means I don't agonise over time management as much. If I wake up earlier than I'd intended to, it means I am meant to be awake for some purpose, and so up I get and start praying to figure out what I am meant to do. I start every day with a list that fills my waking hours, but if someone in need comes along, I trust that God put that person in my path for a reason, and that helping them is something that is pleasing to Him. The only thing I still struggle with is when to go to sleep. 'Cause, you know, I'd skip it if I could. Better grades and all that.
Tuesday, March 16
Job Hazards of the Sheeple
Well. It's been a bit longer than I expected it would be. And I have several things to share, so I guess this is where I introduce my love of bulleted lists. Onward!
- I passed all 5 of those tests. Some more passingly than others. More on that later. Just a tip, though: if you are ever contemplating going three weeks with an average of 4-5 hours of sleep a night... don't.
- Friday afternoon marked the beginning of Spring Break! Matt was gone on a short trip, so I spent the entire weekend sleeping and/ or playing Final Fantasy XIII. One of my classmates did not know what that was when I mentioned it last week, which made me deeply sad for them. They will never understand; video games are either something that you are raised on or something you miss out on, in part or in whole, forever.
- My computer is borked. The place I took it to initially just called and said it is probably a hard drive failure. Allow me a moment to rant about this computer of mine. When I started school in August, I was told that I really should have this one extra-special Toshiba touch-screen laptop that costs $2000. I was told it was an important addition to the learning experience, so important in fact that they had made a deal with this one company to give us the computer and wait for payment until our student loans had come in. So I bit.
Cut to four months later. I no longer take notes on my computer because the touch-screen note-taking software is too unreliable and I can't afford to keep losing what I write. The screen keeps getting a wet-looking spot in the middle from being in my backpack; the casing isn't strong enough to keep the computer from getting compressed, and so the screen gets smushed. And one day I turn my computer on like normal - and it freezes. And continues to freeze no matter how many times I turn it on and off, no matter how virus-free it is. And now I apparently need a new hard drive on a computer that is less than a year old. The screen doesn't always track well, the mousepad will sometimes stop working for no reason, and the stupid thing has been running slower and slower despite my spotless registry and fully (and regularly) defragged memory. And before you point out that clearly a computer with this many issues is just a defective one, let me say that I can list multiple people in my class who are having the same or even more issues.
Even better, the place we bought our computers from is actually in Dallas, and they will make you wait weeks on your computer while they fix it. I'm assuming they are just very busy, but that doesn't change the fact that when I need a computer, I won't have one if I use my warranty. Luckily a friend of mine owns a computer company and is willing to help me out. You always pay in money or time, right?
Honestly, though? I wish I could just return the thing. It kills me that I could have spent $1500 on an excellent normal laptop instead of $2100 on a lower-tier tablet. This is the price you pay when you allow yourself to be one of the sheeple.
Sigh.
- I passed all 5 of those tests. Some more passingly than others. More on that later. Just a tip, though: if you are ever contemplating going three weeks with an average of 4-5 hours of sleep a night... don't.
- Friday afternoon marked the beginning of Spring Break! Matt was gone on a short trip, so I spent the entire weekend sleeping and/ or playing Final Fantasy XIII. One of my classmates did not know what that was when I mentioned it last week, which made me deeply sad for them. They will never understand; video games are either something that you are raised on or something you miss out on, in part or in whole, forever.
- My computer is borked. The place I took it to initially just called and said it is probably a hard drive failure. Allow me a moment to rant about this computer of mine. When I started school in August, I was told that I really should have this one extra-special Toshiba touch-screen laptop that costs $2000. I was told it was an important addition to the learning experience, so important in fact that they had made a deal with this one company to give us the computer and wait for payment until our student loans had come in. So I bit.
Cut to four months later. I no longer take notes on my computer because the touch-screen note-taking software is too unreliable and I can't afford to keep losing what I write. The screen keeps getting a wet-looking spot in the middle from being in my backpack; the casing isn't strong enough to keep the computer from getting compressed, and so the screen gets smushed. And one day I turn my computer on like normal - and it freezes. And continues to freeze no matter how many times I turn it on and off, no matter how virus-free it is. And now I apparently need a new hard drive on a computer that is less than a year old. The screen doesn't always track well, the mousepad will sometimes stop working for no reason, and the stupid thing has been running slower and slower despite my spotless registry and fully (and regularly) defragged memory. And before you point out that clearly a computer with this many issues is just a defective one, let me say that I can list multiple people in my class who are having the same or even more issues.
Even better, the place we bought our computers from is actually in Dallas, and they will make you wait weeks on your computer while they fix it. I'm assuming they are just very busy, but that doesn't change the fact that when I need a computer, I won't have one if I use my warranty. Luckily a friend of mine owns a computer company and is willing to help me out. You always pay in money or time, right?
Honestly, though? I wish I could just return the thing. It kills me that I could have spent $1500 on an excellent normal laptop instead of $2100 on a lower-tier tablet. This is the price you pay when you allow yourself to be one of the sheeple.
Sheeple
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Sheeple (a portmanteau of "sheep" and "people") is a term of disparagement, in which people are likened to sheep. It is often used to denote persons who voluntarily acquiesce to a perceived authority, or suggestion without sufficient research to understand fully the scope of the ramifications involved in that decision, and thus undermine their own human individuality or in other cases give up certain rights. The implication of sheeple is that as a collective, people believe whatever they are told, especially if told so by a perceived authority figure believed to be trustworthy, without processing it or doing adequate research to be sure that it is an accurate representation of the real world around them.Sigh.
Thursday, March 4
I'm still around.
Hey. I'm still alive. Today I took test 3 of 5 for this two-and-a-half week period. Two left. Then Spring Break.
I can totally do this.
I can totally do this.
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