Okay so Matt is home. And it's wonderful. It's wonderful to see him, to wake up beside him, to have good conversations with a sane person face to face. A deeper sense of peace has yet to settle in, though; I'm instead getting little fragments of the realisation that he doesn't have to leave again. Like: I am working in the hospital this week, yet he will be here. I associate the hospital with loneliness, but I don't have to anymore. Maybe never again. Or: I will have to continue to buy groceries for two people. Or: I don't have to buy groceries by myself anymore! Understanding that there is now a second person in my life is such a complex process that I can't even force it - it's all situational. I can't have the thoughts about groceries before actually going and getting groceries and thinking, "What would Matt like?" and then feeling shock.
But whatever. I dig it.
What I do not dig is giving up my space. Yeah, I said it. And I know that is totally selfish. I'm working on it - it's only been a week! - and I'm not suggesting I deserve any sympathy. But literally the only pleasure in living by myself the last year was having whatever schedule/ routine I wanted and always doing things my way. Now I have to, like, share the Xbox. And not turn on the closet light in the morning because that would throw light directly on Matt's face, and no one should wake up at 6 if they don't have to. Or if Matt opens something in the kitchen in a way I wouldn't, then a short while later leaves a light on, then doesn't answer a phone call because he doesn't feel like it - crap like that is undeniably petty, but nevertheless frequently builds up to the point where I need to take a moment and consciously untense my shoulders. I'm not used to noise. I'm not used to dishes I haven't dirtied or a towel being wet before I try to use it. I'm not used to asking someone else if they would like to do the thing I would like to do. Amazing how I didn't even realise I was getting used to all of this, yet clearly I was.
I mean, I'm an idiot. I'm being a total idiot when stuff like that gets to me. I know. And the majority of the time I look at him and am overwhelmed with gratitude to God that He brought Matt through the deployment and back home. I have this sense that despite all the changes that I went through in the last year, my life was nevertheless mostly in a holding pattern, and now Matt and I can Get Back To It. That's exhilarating.
I just have to relearn how to compromise. And hopefully stop being addicted to chocolate. But more on that later.
